Tuesday, October 4, 2016
When I knew I was finally done with kids.
So many people with mega families like mine don't ever get that feeling of being done having children and that's okay. It's okay to have the family size a person wants whether it be none or twenty it's all up to a family to decide what is right for them. I just know one thing, it's not always easy to know when to say when.
According to the world, standards, and pretty much ninety percent of people I have met in life I am crazy and should have been done long ago. It was a conversation with my sister yesterday (she has chosen a child free life) that brought this all to the forefront of my mind. Then again today when a cashier at a grocery store asked me "Don't you think it's time to stop now?". I looked at her shook my head and said, nope going for an even dozen. I lied though. I am done. I'm not done because society has told me I should be. I am done because after taking a look at myself, my family, and our needs I know I just am.
I have been told by people, yes told not asked, that I am addicted to pregnancy. WRONG!!!!!! (That was done in my best Donald Trump voice). Who loves back aches, peeing every five minutes, and for the love of everything holy hemorrhoids! Being pregnant sucks ass, but I do love the reward at the end. Closing in on the end of my tenth pregnancy I am sad to know that it's over, but excited to see what the future will bring too. I look forward to my wine glass once again being full rather than sitting lonely in the cupboard. On top of that having gestational diabetes has taken so much of the things I love from me. I mean french fries!!!! I am a french fry guru. How could they!!!!!
Another big reason I know I am done is I am starting to forget who I am. I need to find that person again instead of getting lost in the day to day needs of everyone else. Yes, that may sound selfish, but darn it I need to be able to read a book again, take a shit without someone sitting and watching me as if I am the newest episode of freakin Paw Patrol! I don't think I've peed alone in the house for the past eighteen years!!! I keep assuring the kids I don't need their help, but I don't think they believe me.
Speaking of kids shows. I can name every overrated, money sucking show since 1998! How many remember Bear In The Big Blue house or The Big Comfy Couch? Yeah, I can still sing all the songs word for word along with every other show that came along since. I will say the 90's children's programming was so much better than the crap on today. I mean come on, Caillou, enough said.
I have had so many bad times and good times with my kids. Hospital stays, specialist, days spent crying in worry or stress. Then their were the happy tears that came with pre-k graduations (no matter how many I have been too I end up weeping by the end). The good times for sure outweighed the bad, but when things were at their worst man, they were bad! We've struggled, we've triumphed, we've lived another day. Now, well now it's time to move on. I have kids heading off to college at the same time I will have a tiny baby at home. My babies are heading off into the world to form their own lives and families. It's such a new, beautiful season for our family, but also marks the end for new baby days. My oldest daughter said something a few months back that stabbed me in the feels (see how I can use teen slang). Her words were: "Mom, the new baby isn't going to know me because I won't be here anymore." OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I know the baby will still be exposed to her often but this picture of her and her baby brother probably isn't a relationship she will have with her new sister.
I'm so ready to be rid of diapers. If anyone ever wants to challenge me to a speed diaper change, you're on! I could go the rest of my life without having to clean up food off the floor and jelly off the cupboards. I know one day I will look back and miss all the chaos, the running, the yelling, but for my own sanity, my own health I know it's time to end the era. When all is said and done I will have spent nearly twenty years having children. My oldest will be nineteen in March. So after this big rambling post I will add a list of the factors I took into consideration in making this decision:
1. My health. I am not getting any younger and things are starting to take their toll!
2. The health of my marriage: It'll be nice to know my husband on a deeper level again.
3. Do I still enjoy it as much as I once did?
4. How do the other children feel about it? This does effect them as well.
5. Do I have the time to make sure everyone is getting what they need?
Those were the top questions but in the end. I just knew. I knew this was it. After this baby there will be no more. To be honest though I always thought ten was a pretty cool number!